Why I Never Walk

A lot of people claim there are benefits to walking.  They claim that walking improves physical and mental health, it’s “good to get fresh air” etc.  Well, I’m here to say that walking is terrible, and here’s why:

  1. It’s relatively slow, compared to subways, cars, and planes.
  2. If done for too long, it can make you tired, and lead to muscle fatigue.
  3. It discourages the private sector from developing teleportation.
  4. It increases your risk of tripping and falling onto all kinds of objects/local landmarks.
  5. If done for too long, it can cause you to sweat. This could be a social embarrassment if you are walking to the following places:
  • a job interview (or exit interview),
  • an event where you are scheduled to give a speech to your employees
  • a convention for “dry shirt” enthusiasts
  • a convention for “cool dudes who never get flustered”
  • a trial where you are the defendant
  • a trial where you are the plaintiff
  • a trial where you are the judge
  • a trial where you are just there to watch and hang out
  • a philosophy class where you are reading Franz Kafka’s The Trial

Please change your transportation habits accordingly.  Thanks, guys.

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