“House M.D.” – deleted scene

Dr. House limps into the patient’s room.  Foreman and a nurse follow.

House:  I see someone enjoyed the chili.

Chris:  How’d you know that?

House:  The window is open.

Chris: So what?  That could be for a million different reasons.  I could have been warm…

House:  This room isn’t warm and you don’t have a temperature.  No sign of recent exercise.

Chris:  I could have been sneaking a smoke…

House:  Your fingertips show no residue, nor do your teeth.  The nicotine gum in the trash tell me that THAT’S your delivery system of choice.

Chris: I could have been talking to someone outside.

House:  At 3AM?  I doubt it.  No, that window is open for a different reason.  And that is..

Chris:…

House:…

Chris:..

House:  You’ve been letting out some stinky farts.

House stops suddenly, struck for inspiration.

House: Wait a minute – when is a fart.. not a fart?

He leaves the room and throws a tennis ball against Cuddy’s office for an hour.  He returns.

House:  You have toxico-spasmodic radiation.  It’s only found in Australian sheep and certain jungle pigeons.  Have you come into contact with any of those lately?

Chris:  I lead a sheep tour in Australia every year.  And I foster jungle pigeons.

House:  Nurse, get him started on an IV drip of chili mixed with nicotine gum.

Chris:  So I’ve been taking the cure this whole time, and didn’t even know it?

House:  That’s right.  But to cure toxico-spasmodic radiation, you need a much higher dosage.

Foreman:  Wait, shouldn’t we test to confirm?

House:  We’ll treat to confirm.  If he gets better, we’re right.  If he gets worse, then it’s… something else.

House turns on his cane, and limps away.  He passes Wilson in the hallway and picks his pocket.

ROLL CREDITS