The End of Lucas

Lucas procures a lucrative ghost-writing gig.  Fortunately, the story needs made up character names.  His rare brain condition (which forces him to compulsively make up silly names and shoehorn them into his blog) will finally be an asset for this job.

[CELEBRITY X]: Lucas, we need a name for the bartender I claim to have fought.

LUCAS: Peep Nurfwell.

[CELEBRITY X]: That’s perfect!

Lucas stops and stares out the nearest window.

LUCAS: Why am I able to generate these names?

[CELEBRITY X]: What do you mean?

LUCAS: I’m writing for your book, [CELEBRITY X], not my blog.  My condition very specifically only forces me to make up silly names to SHOEHORN THEM INTO MY BLOG.  Something’s not right.  Unless… this is my blog.

[CELEBRITY X]: This isn’t your blog, trust me.

LUCAS: Ask me for a name.

[CELEBRITY X]: What?

LUCAS: Ask.. me.. for a name.

[CELEBRITY X]: Ok, can I have a name?

LUCAS: For what, [CELEBRITY X]?!  For what?!  It’s never given FOR NO REASON.  It’s got to be shoehorned into the blog.  The silly name has always got to have a purpose, however small.

[CELEBRITY X]: Ok!  Ok, fine..  What’s the name of the mayor?

LUCAS: Cassy. 

[CELEBRITY X]: Cassy.  See?  Cassy. It’s a normal name.  Now do you believe –

LUCAS: His name is Cassanova St. Smamuels, you son of a bitch!  We’re in my blog.

[CELEBRITY X]: But, Lucas, that’s not a silly made up name.  It’s just the name of the mayor.  We’re not in your blog.  If it was made up, how do I know that it’s true?

LUCAS: Because you’re a character in my blog, [CELEBRITY X].

[CELEBRITY X]: You need to lie down, Lucas.  I’m [CELEBRITY X], okay?  Trust me.  The whole world knows my name.

LUCAS: Say your name phonetically, [CELEBRITY X].

[CELEBRITY X]: What? No.

LUCAS: Why not?

[CELEBRITY X]: I don’t want to..

LUCAS: It wouldn’t be because.. the author of this blog, me, wants to leave [CELEBRITY X] a placeholder, is it?  It wouldn’t be because the author doesn’t want to deal with the legal counsel of any celebrities, is it?

[CELEBRITY X]: Lucas, you’ve got to believe me.  My name is [CELEBRITY X], I grew up in [LOCATION Y].  C’mon, I’m well known for my [ENTERTAINMENT SUB-INDUSTRY Z ].  You know my hit [PRODUCT OF ENTERTAINMENT SUB-INDUSTRY Z ], [TITLE OF PRODUCT OF ENTERTAINMENT SUB-INDUSTRY Z ], don’t you?

Lucas storms out of the building and stands under a streetlight in the rain.  There he meets me, the narrator.

ME: You’re having blackouts.

LUCAS: For months at a time.  You don’t post very regularly.

ME: I’m busy.  I can’t just post to my blog all day.

LUCAS: But that would mean..

ME:  Lucas, don’t you think it’s weird that we’re never in the same room at the same time?  Lucas, this is your blog, and we are the same person.

LUCAS:  Didn’t we already do a blog post about narrator confusion?

ME: Yea, I guess we are stuck on the idea.

LUCAS:  We need some new gimmicks.

ME:  Agreed.  I think I’m done with the silly names, too.  I can’t be spending so much time on something that only really makes ME laugh.

LUCAS:  You could say that about this whole blog, couldn’t you?

ME:  …

LUCAS:  By the way, do you even proof these?  There are typos, inconsistent tenses, and lots of other grammatical errors.

ME: …

We shake hands, and Lucas.. I don’t know.. FLIES INTO THE SUNSET and retires as a character.